True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm really busy with my period
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