I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
