If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
