Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
