You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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