I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
