Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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