Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
