you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
