don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
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