I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
