i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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