his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
