trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
