I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
