I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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