On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
my liver is dry heaving
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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