the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
