puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
