The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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