I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dicks are not precious.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
