My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
