I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
