Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
