apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
