I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
