My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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