Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
