My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
