peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
this is an emotional support booty call
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
