hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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