Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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