when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
