It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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