This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
