Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
