This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
did you just send me my own nude
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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