I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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