I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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