dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
