if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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