A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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