Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
