the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
