My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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