My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
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Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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