You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
