It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
