I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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