I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
