when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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