nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
