Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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