Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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