Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
