I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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