we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
